FEET TO THE FIRE – A Trump-Tells-All Fantasy

The great thing about fantasy is that it doesn’t have to be realistic. If it were, one wouldn’t have to dream about it; one could act on it.

Here’s a fantasy about the most incompetent, most divisive, most deceitful, hateful president the USA has ever had to endure. Someone’s got to hold this pathological liar’s plump little feet to the fire. But that’s not going to happen… at least not in the real world. But it can and it does in my fantasy.

LAY OF THE LAND
Donald Trump was born and raised to “win” at all costs. He has succeeded—as long as you define success as the illusion of wealth, and never, ever, having to be responsible for your words or actions. The man has achieved nothing without cheating, lying or suing. He’s an absolute master of every tool in the irresponsibility toolbox: obfuscation, scapegoating, denial…even temper tantrums.

So picture this: a trial of Trump; the charges: multiple amoral, unethical and criminal acts—from adultery to bribery, swindle to treason. The judges, both a trusted panel and (admittedly something that might only happen in a fantasy) the entire population of planet earth—anyone, that is, with access to the Internet or cell phone service.

First off, all those people who normally shield Trump from responsibility—spokespersons, lawyers, Secret Service, and all those political apologists—are given a much needed vacation. Then he’s arrested and brought by force into a huge bomb-proof vault, where seats are neatly arranged to accommodate a large audience. (There’s no COVID 19 in this fantasy.)

     It becomes the most widely-viewed event
     in history, surpassing World Cup soccer, 
     coronations and even 9/11.

The defendant’s strapped into a hard, straight-back chair at the front of the room, his shoes and socks removed, and electrodes taped to of the soles of his feet.

Then the reporters come in. There are hundreds, from every corner of the world. From legitimate, even-handed news organizations like Reuters and NPR, as well as a few from Trump’s virtually state-run media outlets like Fox News, the National Inquirer and Breitbart.

The person grilling the pretend president is not Lester Holt, Judy Woodruff, nor even a reincarnated Walter Cronkite. It’s the brilliant, acerbic comedian and former talk-show host, Jon Stewart.

On the table just in front of Stewart sits a small black console topped with a big red button.

The event is broadcast live, worldwide, on radio, TV and every imaginable streaming outlet. It is extremely well publicized; it becomes the most widely-viewed event in history, surpassing World Cup soccer, coronations and even 9/11. Everyone, anywhere with access to any media is watching or at least listening. Viewers are asked to call, text or enter their verdicts online—free of charge. Guilty or not guilty.

There are no talking heads commenting on or interpreting the proceedings; Stewart’s questions and Trump’s answers are left to speak for themselves.

       Flecks of spittle fly from his kissy-lips
       mouth and settle on the polished table
       in bubbly little spots.

A panel of nine journalists, again representing the gamut of political persuasions, is there to consider and rule on the veracity of Trump’s answers. All have taken a sworn oath to prepare, not by parroting rumors or unsubstantiated claims to feed ratings, but by delving deeply into both the witness’s tweeted and recorded comments and publicly available records. They’ve also interviewed hundreds of people who have actually known and interacted with the defendant at various stages of his life.

(This background work has been carried out in secret, denying Trump and his people—and the reporters' own employers—any opportunity to influence, intimidate or buy them off.)

Working with the journalists panel is a team of three psychologists, specialists, respectively, in paranoia, pseudologia fantastica (pathological lying) and narcissistic personality disorder, to help steer panelists in their prodding.

Finally, there’s the panel of 17 judges. Not jurists from the government’s politically-tainted judiciary, but women and men from throughout world history who've proven themselves to be, above all, genuine, thinking, feeling, fair-minded human beings. Folks celebrated for their integrity, representing a range of fields including both liberal- and conservative-leaning politicians, many from eras before politics became the toxically divisive, win-at-all-costs culture that spawned a creature like Trump.

They are: Marcus Aurelius, Cincinnatus, Mahatma Ghandi, Marie Curie, Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Václav Havel, Rosalyn Carter, Pope Francis, Michelle Obama, David Attenborough, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, the Dalai Lama, Malala Yousafzai,Yo-Yo Ma and Greta Thunberg.

The judges panel’s vote will account for one-half of the verdict, the other half to be decided by the worldwide popular vote.

THE TRUTH WILL OUT
Before Stewart can even begin his questioning, Trump launches the expected tirade of threats. His airbrushed-orange face turns a color quite close to purple. The veins in his neck swell, and flecks of spittle fly from his kissy-lips mouth and settle on the polished table in bubbly little spots.

Calmly, Stewart reaches out and taps the big red button for the first time, sending a jolt of excruciating pain into the witness’s feet. The president grimaces, but continues his hissy fit. “That’s fine,” cautions Stewart, “we have all day,” as he now presses and holds the button down.

Once the witness quiets down, Stewart tries again. Now, he knows not to ask the questions in ways Trump can evade or answer vaguely. So they’re well crafted, very specific:

• Mr. Trump, how many women have you sexually abused?
• What did you or your father have to do to “facilitate” your admission to the New York Military Academy, Fordham and Penn/Wharton?
• What were your approximate grade point averages at each of those schools?
• What percentage is your real net worth of the $10 billion you claim?
• What are you hiding in your tax returns? (Follow-up: No, not just how financially unsuccessful you’ve been, but the bribes and hush money you’ve paid, and the payments you’ve received from foreign governments. And the actual amounts you’ve donated to legitimate charitable organizations.)
• What novels have you read in the past few months? Ever?
• Who are your heroes?
• Which do you hate more: Immigrants, Blacks or Jews?
• Name any three countries in Africa.
• What would you consider just punishment for someone who, by his willful ignorance, poor judgement, reckless behavior and utter incompetence has cost—or will end up costing—millions and millions of human beings their lives?
• What is the root cause of your sexual inadequacy?

Just for fun, there are also a few trick questions, designed to utterly baffle the buffoon, like “Have you cancelled the contract stipulating that Melania remain with you and keep silent?”

   The judges agree on a merciful punishment...
   just denial of the tools and weapons the 
   defendant employed in his commission of 
   the crimes.

EXCRUCIATING MERCY
During the interrogation, it’s assumed Trump will lie. So, after each of his initial replies, Steward just automatically zaps his feet for a second. The questions are repeated. This time, after each reply, the answer is quickly reviewed by the reporters panel, which then rules on its truthfulness.

Each answer deemed false, even partially, is met with a three-second shock to the butterball’s tender feet. The question’s repeated, and if not truthfully answered, triggers another shock, this time for five seconds. Then ten, fifteen, and so on until the truth—the real truth as determined by the panel—comes out.

The grilling continues for nearly two hours. When it’s over Trump is confined to a small room with no windows, and no electronic devices, denying him the opportunity to see or react in any way to the worldwide airing of his answers and the deluge of votes coming in from around the world.

The verdict by both the in-house panel and the people of the world is decisive: guilty on all charges. The news travels in seconds, and celebrations break out in cities, towns and villages around the globe. Even the print media makes the outcome their lead stories, topped with banner headlines: Trump Guilty!, Trump Shamed, Trump’s Lies Catch Up to Him.

Finally, there’s the sentencing. As with any criminal, it’s not enough to simply extract the truth and convict. There’s also the matter of an appropriate penalty.

In the case of Donald S. Trump versus humanity, the panel of judges agrees on a merciful punishment. No jail time. No fine. No public shaming—beyond the global celebrations of his exposure. Just denial of the tools and weapons the defendant employed in his commission of the crimes. No iPhone, no laptop, no microphone, not even pen and paper. For the rest of his miserable little life.

Oh, and the permanent attachment of an ankle device, with camera, to monitor his every activity 24/7 and ensure his adherence to the communications ban.

Ah-h-h fantasy. How sweet it is!

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