trump Declares World Peace

Breaking…

By Jeffrey Willius – One Man’s Venting
THE WHITE HOUSE – In a hastily-called press conference this morning, president Donald Trump declared that, in a major deal he’s struck with world leaders, there is now world peace.

Notably, with the exception of this reporter, journalists from mainstream, objective news sources were barred from the session, left to watch though binoculars for any signs of activity visible through the West Wing's windows from a barricaded area across the street in Lafayette Square.

Despite only reporters approved by the president being allowed into the press briefing room—and those asking only questions scripted by the White House to help simulate for Trump a much- coveted position on the world stage—it did not take long for that manipulation to backfire on him.

For the first question, president Trump called on Harold Ingvetz, former chief of the Little Rock bureau of the National Jingoist Journal. “Mr. President, you’ve accomplished something world leaders have struggled with for centuries. What will this new era of peace look like to the average red-blooded, patriotic American?”

        "These guys...that Angelica Markle of Belgium—
        she's one overrated leader—they don't have to tell 
        me what world peace is."

Trump replied, “Let me be crystal clear, folks. This will be a tremendous peace...like...Russia’s great leader, Putin...what he was able to bring into Trimea…the place was hemorrhaging unpeace. Then he comes to the table and, wow, let’s just say everyone knows where they stand. No, this is a total, very big, terrific peace.”

Another reporter asked, “How will the peace be enforced?” The president, turning to wink at Michael Flynn, his national security advisor, standing just behind him, replied, “Look, I have over 21 billion followers on Twitter. These war people—the Arabs, the Burning Bush down in Honduras, the Bengazis—they’re big followers…huge followers!”

Trump continued, “Hey, the good guys...my friend Nathan Yahoo in Israel…and besides…they love me. They all know…they don’t come to the table…that’s it…it’s history…big time.”

When asked how he’d managed to conduct so many one-on-one peace negotiations with world leaders in just his first few days in office, the president was dismissive. “I’ll do those meetings when I need them. I don't have to be told—you know, I'm, like, a smart person," Trump said. “These guys…that Angelica Markle of Belgium—she’s one overrated leader...sad—they don’t have to tell me what world peace is. I don't need that.”

Fox News’s Shamus Bias asked Trump, “What will you do with units of the Armed Forces now stationed in war zones and potential flash points around the world—I guess we should call them peace points—now that those personnel won’t be needed any more?” 

The president responded, “We’re totally going for that America First thing. Let me tell you, there’s a lot better things those men in our terrific Armies could be doing…like fighting Mexican and Arab terrorists trying to get into this great country...and, you know, the rapists. Like clearing those liberal bleeding hearts out of our national parks so we can give those…a disaster, really so overrated…to someone who really loves them—the oilers and the miners…I love oilers and miners.”

        Sir, that's not the peace sign!"

Then, in what proved a turning point in the press conference, Bias asked for a follow-up question. “Sir, with all due respect, what do the National Parks have to do with world peace? And besides, don’t those public lands actually belong to the public?”

At that point, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer abruptly stepped up to the podium and whispered something in the president’s ear. Trump, his face suddenly flushed, shook his finger at Bias and blurted, "That question...you...are a fake questioner!" Seeming to gain his composure, the president added, “This has been a terrifically open, comprehensive press conference…a huge success.” Then Trump, followed by Spicer, Flynn and the rest of his retinue, simply turned and walked out of the room.

Trump’s surprise exit, just five minutes into the press conference, puzzled even this friendly crowd. Anson Lipschitz of the weapons industry journal, Bang! called it “cryptic…so comprehensive...and yet so concise.”

At the door, Trump turned back toward the reporters, raised the back of his right hand in a fist, smiled triumphantly and extended his middle finger. One journalist, insisting his observation be shared off the record, later told this reporter that he overheard Spicer whisper loudly toward the president, “Sir, that’s not the peace sign!”